VIP Heart, No Refunds!

My heart is not a consolation prize. It is a room people are lucky to be invited into at all. People tend to experience me as disarmingly safe, like I am the kinda person who listens without turning everything into a performance. Connection for me is precious and not proof I am worth keeping. I honor even the most brief encounter or connection as sacred. Whether it is a shared glance with a stranger or late night chats that never repeat.

Although...I am learning slowly to let silence speak when someone only comes to me to feel lighter and never asks how I am actually doing. My softness comes paired now with a higher and quieter standard and I am hoping others can see this too. I am trying to choose people who are ready, not just the ones I adore one-sidedly and those standards aren't mean...they are protective! Too many times I have jumped in recently ready to just hand my entire heart over to someone, who has not earned it to only have that other person fumble and drop it and then just walk away with ease. I am learning also that I often lead into a relationship (no matter what kind it is) with warmth and openness, while this can be a good thing to most people it often leaves me wide-open to assumptions and heartache. I need to quietly protect my core...letting effort, consistency and reciprocity decide who gets closer instead of just who needs me the most.

BUT.....

My joy usually comes from loud and dramatic highs. The way I let the world seep in slowly. a beautiful sunset, wind in my face, the way colors sit together, the precise shape of a snowflake or a song that suddenly unlocks a feeling. None of this is background noise to me. It is data, nourishment and sometimes a direct line to tears I didn't know I needed to release. That same spark shows up as the way I really see people. Meeting someone new and feeling like I might help them isn't about ego for me, they are one in the same with that way I notice the precise lines in a blade of grass or how a riff in a song can bring me to my knees emotionally. I catch those small shifts in mood like the almost missed details in a story....and I notice all those details my dears. I'd like to hope that my presence makes them feel a bit more real and bit more held...but where does that leave me? My nature leaves me with all this "holding" and I am never the one that is ever truly held.

I feel everything in widescreen mode. Turning heartbreak and all the little signs into art. I honor truth even when it hurts and I am trying to choose healing over chaos. This newly minted version of me puts care, creativity, and courage into the same room in my quest to become this grounded and glowing force who can turn even heartbreak into holy momentum. I let these things alchemize into art....longing, almosts, goodbyes....becoming proof of how deeply I can feel and still choose myself.